Pale
by Apherion
Summary: Songfic. Through the duration of New Moon. Please do not read this fic unless you have read New Moon. I say this in your best interest.


Pale

By: Apherion

Disclaimer: I do not own the song Pale, Within Temptation does. I do not own these characters, Stephanie Meyer does. I'm very vague about the dates for a reason, because I had no idea when everything went down, and if I screwed up on something, I grant you my sincere apologies. Also, I beg of you who haven't read New Moon-DO NOT READ ANY FARTHER, you will: 1) Not get a word I say after this disclaimer, and 2) Ruin the book when you do finally read it. So, please, turn back now.

**

* * *

**

**September-he's not coming back…**

_The world seems not the same._

I let my memories cascade down upon me like the waves of the falls. I couldn't handle it.

_Though I know, nothing has changed._

Things had changed, but the rest of the world didn't seem to stop spinning long enough to care. It was ripping my heart in shreds. Clean break…heal faster, my ass!

_It's all, my state of mind._

Sure, I can pretend there isn't a large, gaping, black hole inside me, consuming me bit by bit. Telling me I'm not good enough, informing me that I was not worthy.

_I can't leave it all behind._

It was roughly six wonderful months. That was the happiest I had ever been. How could I try and banish that away.

_Have to stand up to be stronger._

Easy, a snide voice in my head said, create your walls. That was my answer. I always had a method for blocking painful memories. This would just be like one of those times.

_Have to try, to break free from the thoughts in my mind._

I didn't know what I was becoming as my exercised ensued. I continued to ignore my worthless feeling inside of me as my thoughts built barriers against…_him_.

_Use the time that I have I can say good-bye…have to make it right._

What was right anymore? _He_ had thought of right and wrong before leaving. But, I didn't like that definition. Not in the least.

_Have to fight, 'cause I know in the end it's worthwhile._

I continued to battle with my inescapable thoughts. _He_ haunted them profusely, and I was going to have to do something. I couldn't just let them take over me. I needed the façade that I knew someone close had.

_As the pain that I feel slowly fades, oh I will be all right._

Would fronting be the best answer? _It will be as if I'd never existed_, that promise he was stubbornly holding true. I allowed the hole inside myself to grow, accumulate like a cancer spreading quickly through my veins and body. And though it remained a hole, it festered without vacillation.

**February-hope…?**

_I know, should realize._

I must be crazy. Performing deathly stunts to gain that…that…angered, velvet voice, the voice I had loved and locked away. I cheated. I wanted to remember.

_Time is precious, it is worthwhile._

I would remember everything about him. I had Jake to keep the nightmares away…at least for one night of the week, if not maybe two or three. But slowly I was losing Jake too; I just had the nagging feeling of it.

_Despite how I feel inside, have to trust he'll be all right._

Jacob had been sick…and well, I was worried. Billy kept telling me that he was fine, but why wasn't Jake ever around. I needed my sunshine back.

_Have to stand up to be stronger._

I would confront Jake. I would wait for him. He couldn't ignore me forever. Eventually he'd _have_ to see me.

_Have to try, to break free from the thoughts in my mind._

The voices were back, telling me to let him calm down. What happened if I did push Jacob over the edge? The sweetness of the voice convinced me to do as it instructed.

_Use the time that I have I can say good-bye… have to make it right._

I didn't want to lose Jacob as well. Not after…no, no… I thought bitterly to myself, this time it wasn't as painful, but it would leave its own ugly mark.

_Have to fight, 'cause I know in the end it's worthwhile._

I didn't fight. I didn't know what would come out of this. Only thing I knew was I was losing Jacob. My best friend, my portable sun, was no longer mine.

_As the pain that I feel slowly fades, oh I will be all right._

I was accustomed to getting rid of painful memories. I had gotten over the one thing that had turned me into a zombie for months. No…I fell numb to the presence of the memory of that person. And _his_ voice was still troubling me.

**Spring Break-restoration**

_Oh this night is too long._

I climbed up the cliff-not literally, but still got there. My toes were feeling the sand. Adrenaline pumping through me, routing itself in my veins, I waited patiently to hear _his_ voice. When I did, _he_ begged me not to. _He_ cried out my name: _"No, Bella, no!"_

_Have no strength to go on._

I had hurled myself into the depths of the water, forgetting everything that happened to water during a storm. I couldn't get above the water. I didn't fight the current though.

_No more pain, I'm floating away._

I found myself giving up. I was just watching _him_. I was happy to know I would drown.

_Through the mist see the face of an angel who calls my name._

And _he_ did. _He_ told me to fight, to keeping going, to not give up. And as fate would have it, I managed to survive the cliff dive.

_I remember, you're the reason I have to stay._

I looked wildly at Alice. We had to go… I had to save my angel. Jacob begged me not to, but as truly sorry as I was for Jake, nothing could've kept me from going to Italy. _He_ needed _me_, even if it was to stop _him_ from committing suicide. _I_ was going to get to be Superman.

_Have to try, to break free from the thoughts in my mind._

I continued to worry. If we didn't make it in time… I didn't want to think the outcome. Edward would _not_ be Romeo if I had anything to say about it, though I had seemed to play Juliet.

_Use the time that I have I can say good-bye…have to make it right._

I fell from the cliff. No, worse, I had _jumped_ from the cliff. Alice saw that, reported it, Rosalie reported to Edward. Edward's confirmation had been him asking where Charlie was and Jacob replying: _"He's at the funeral."_ This Juliet however, wasn't going to allow her Romeo to kill himself, only to figure out in the afterlife that she was fine and well and not dead.

_Have to fight, 'cause I know in the end it's worthwhile._

I pushed through the crowds. I swam through the water to get to him. I slammed into his chest, but he didn't seem to really notice. He thought he was dead. I screamed at him to understand. I begged and pleaded with him not to go into the sun.

I got through.

_As the pain that I feel slowly fades, oh I will be all right._

Edward always made things better. No matter what happened, everything turned right eventually with him. I knew I was safe with him. Not even Jacob could match him there.


End file.
